


Breathe Slow

by mintyah



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Light Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-13
Updated: 2016-02-21
Packaged: 2018-05-01 12:03:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5205197
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mintyah/pseuds/mintyah
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s not just one thing. It’s a thousand and one things piled on top of each other bearing down on him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to ao3 user libaax. Because she loves jihan and i can't read a bathroom scene without thinking of her anymore <3

_You’re spilling like an overflowing sink_  

* * *

 

It takes him five minutes and twenty three seconds to work up the courage to leave his room. He takes three steps forward. One back. Rings his hands in twists and runs the reddening skin through his hair. He takes a deep breath. Tries again. He makes it as far as the end of the hallway but stops at the sound of voices from the kitchen and makes a detour to the bathroom.  
He locks the door behind him; the thump and click of it too loud to his ears. His heart pounds, his head spins, and Jeonghan can feel the stress of it all eating away at his core.

One step forward. Three steps back.

He faces his reflection in the mirror over the sink and doesn’t recognise who he sees. That face is his, that nose, those lips, his jawline. They’re his, but with the sheen of sweat and grey pallor obscuring them he feels like a different person.  
Jeonghan tracks the imperfections along his cheeks, pulls at the purpling skin under his eyes, and wonders to himself, _how did I let it get like this?_

Time is ticking.

He’s been in there too long. Twelve minutes and thirty six seconds.  
He’s avoiding the members and they’ve noticed. He knows, he knows they’ve noticed. It’s been days of this. Days of hiding out where they can’t see him, where he won’t see their concerned faces. Where they won’t be able to ask him what’s wrong.

He wouldn’t know what to say. Wouldn’t know how to answer.

It hits fifteen minutes of hiding away and every breath he takes reverberates in his lungs like the rumble of a storm cloud. Each exhale ragged and sharp on his tongue.

He can feel himself falling apart at the seams.

Leaning his head back against the cold tiles of the bathroom wall he lets himself slide to the floor and curl up around his knees.

It’s not just one thing. It’s a thousand and one things piled on top of each other bearing down on him.  
It’s his sub-par vocals in comparison to the rest of his unit, that just don’t get better no matter how many long hours he practices. It’s anxiety over messing up on stage. It’s stress from late nights in the studio, sweating, living, breathing one song over and over and over again. It’s his desperate need for more sleep. It’s a lack of personal space, living in cramped quarters with twelve other boys. It’s the hole in his life where his family used to be. It’s every moment he stumbles over his words in an interview or radio show. It’s exhaustion. It’s anxiety. It’s fear.  
A deep seated fear. The roots of it digging deep, curling around his heart and constricting his every movement. It’s a fear he’s known since he was a child and his first crush rejected him with a shove and an ' _ugh but you’re a boy!’_. A fear and ache he knows well and can’t help but feel lately whenever he looks into the eyes of-

_Thump thump thump  
_

Three soft knocks at the bathroom door jolt Jeonghan out of his reverie and a familiar voice whispers through the cracks, _“Jeonghan-ah?”_

_-Hong Jisoo._

The one person he especially doesn’t want to see right now.

And at the same time the one he needs the most. 

Jeonghan counts under his breath and grounds himself with the icy feel of the tiles beneath his hands and thighs. He shudders and trembles and digs his nails into his palms. He needs his best friend.

_Thump_

Another knock, a little louder this time, a bit of concerned force behind it.

“Jeonghan? I told the others to go on ahead, that we’d catch up-” he pauses and Jeonghan waits “ _-please_ let me in… “

He can’t ignore him. It takes all he has but Jeonghan gathers whatever energy and strength he has left to pull himself up and answer the door.

He must look quite the sight because Jisoo’s eyes are wide and he bites his lips to stop them quivering. He looks like he wants to reach out but he’s cautious, tentative, like he’s dealing with a frightened animal that he’s afraid he’ll scare away if he makes any sudden moves. If Jeonghan wasn’t hurting so much he’d laugh.

They just look at each other for a moment and no one says anything. He feels tense and is ready to flee again, but Jisoo smiles at him. It’s lonely, _(and Jeonghan feels so much guilt)_ but hopeful, and somehow the tightness in Jeonghan’s throat eases even as his pulse quickens.

Jisoo doesn’t hesitate after that; he takes his wrist, circles his fingers around it loosely and tugs him out into the hallway and away from his hiding place.

One step forward. Then another. And another.

They make it to the living room and Jisoo’s grip tightens, and when Jeonghan grips back whatever nervousness that was left in Jisoo's actions melts away. Jeonghan is graced with a blinding smile, _(all curled up cheshire lips, bright teeth and half moon eyes)_ and Jisoo’s hand slipping from his wrist to slide his palm against his.   
For a while they stand like that, with less than a foot of space between them, fingers intertwined, and Jeonghan trying to control his breathing. The feelings are still there all curled up around his heart, the anxiety, the fear, but Jeonghan focuses entirely on the boy beside him and feels the cold trembling in his bones peter out and bloom with warmth. He eases himself into the peacefulness of Jisoo’s presence that he’d been denying himself for days and the pressure lessens, the heaviness lifts. With him there everything feels a little lighter, a little less like failure and a bit more like progress and hope. 

Jisoo is soft and gentle and he may not be his but he’s everything Jeonghan has ever wanted, and for now that's enough. 

“Come with me?” Jisoo asks.

Jeonghan does and it’s a little like coming home. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He bites down, holds his tongue and does everything he can.

_You're ripped at every edge but you're a masterpiece_

* * *

 

Jisoo waits.  
He waits for days. Days and hours and counts each minute that passes. He waits and watches Jeonghan crumble and distance himself from everyone. From him.  
He waits and it’s a sharp pain in his stomach every time he holds his tongue and lets Jeonghan walk by and lock himself away again.  
He waits for Jeonghan to come to him, to any of them _(as long as he gets help from someone Jisoo doesn’t care)_. He waits and waits until he’s afraid to wait any longer.

It's been twenty three minutes since Jeonghan locked himself in the bathroom, and the members are getting restless. They’re trying to be understanding, they’re doing their best. But every minute that passes that they're not in the practice room, the more uncomfortable and fidgety they get.

Seungkwan’s eyes keep darting between the hallway entrance and the front door, while Soonyoung’s legs have been jerking and beating a constant, impatient rhythm against the floor for the past six minutes. Minghao is sitting stiff and straight and like he doesn’t know what to do with myself or how to help, and the concerned look in Chan’s eyes makes Jisoo’s heart ache.  
They’re all tense, and Jisoo along with them.

He waits another two, three minutes, but doesn’t speak up until Seungcheol anxiously runs his fingers through his hair and exchanges a nervous look with Jihoon.

“Go on ahead. I’ll wait for him.”

The suggestion seems to relieve Seungcheol of the tension he’d been holding, a sigh escaping him as he rubs at his temples and gives Jisoo a grateful smile.

“You won’t take too long, right?” he asks.

Jisoo knows it might take time but he tells Seungcheol what he needs to hear rather than the truth.

“We’ll be right behind you.”

He sees the doubt and hesitation flicker across Seungcheol’s face but he doesn’t question it and lets Jihoon tug him towards the door, the members trailing along behind them like baby chicks, nervously looking back at Jisoo, quietly hoping he’ll succeed.

The door shuts with a resounding click and Jisoo is alone.

The hallway looms ahead of him like a large imposing wall between him and Jeonghan. He takes the first few steps nervously but determined only stopping when he reaches the bathroom door, a barrier in his path.

Jisoo takes a long, deep breath. Inhale- shuddering exhale, and knocks.  
_"Jeonghan-ah?”_

There’s no answer and the worry he’s been trying to hold at bay curls around his heart and creeps up his throat like the burning rise of bile. A number of scenarios spring to his mind. It had been a long time, anything could have happened in there. He could have fallen, could have hurt himself-

He knocks again. A little harder this time, just on the edge of frantic, concern straining his voice when he’d hoped to stay calm “Jeonghan? I told the others to go on ahead, that we’d catch up-” Jisoo pauses, gulps, closes his eyes and leans his forehead against the cold wood of the door separating them “ _-please_ let me in… “

His stomach is a nest of live snakes writhing and nipping at him from the inside as he anxiously waits for a response.

It takes a moment, a moment longer than Jisoo thought he could stand but then Jeonghan is there sliding the door open and finally, finally standing there in front of him in one piece.

Now that he’s here Jisoo doesn’t know what to say.

It’s been awhile since Jeonghan has allowed him this close. Jisoo notes the pallor of his skin and the bruising under his eyes and worries. He looks like he hasn’t slept in days. Like there’s something eating him up inside and all Jisoo wants to do is help. But he can’t push him, doesn’t want to scare him away when they're finally making some progress. So instead he drinks up the sight of him. The disheveled unbrushed hair, the sweater paws pooling around the palms of his hands and clutched tight by his rough fingertips, the unhealthy jut of his cheekbones and the downward slope of his shoulders as though the weight of the world is bearing down on him. Jisoo stares and takes it all in with an aching heart and all the loneliness and heartache from the past few days rushes up to meet him. Jisoo’s missed him. He’s missed his best friend, so so much.

Jeonghan looks tense though, body rigid and gnawing on his lip in earnest. So Jisoo does his best for him, pushes down all his feelings all that concern and longing and smiles at Jeonghan, gentle and soft. Jisoo feels hope build when the stiffness in Jeonghan’s posture seems to subside a little. The reaction gives him a boost of confidence so he reaches out and grasps Jeonghan’s wrist, pulling him as gently as he can out of his own personal prison without looking back.

Jisoo is still nervous, still scared that he’s going to mess up somehow, that he’ll fail and Jeonghan will hide away from him again and continue to wither away into nothing. He tightens his grip around Jeonghan’s wrist in mild distress at the thought.

He’s pleasantly surprised when Jeonghan grips back.

His hand curling around Jisoo’s wrist and it's like they’re warriors in this together clasping arms before battle. Jisoo can feel his heart thumping in his ears as he turns to face Jeonghan and smiles the brightest smile he can muster in this situation. Jeonghan is trying. He’s putting in effort for him and Jisoo has no idea what to say or what to do but there’s a soft hum building in his brain and it sounds a little like Jeonghan’s voice before practice, a soft pleasant hum washing all his fears away. They can do this.

So he slips their hands together, lacing their fingers and grasping tightly like there’s nothing more important to him than the focus he has on this moment. He looks up into Jeonghan’s tired face and watches his walls come down brick by brick, watches him open the door back into his life and his body slowly start to relax.

Jisoo watches in silence as Jeonghan calms down and holds his tongue. There are so many things bubbling under the surface that have been waiting to spill out, so many things he wants to say. He wants to tell Jeonghan that he feels lucky. That every morning when he wakes up and rolls over to see him curled up under his sheets, just one bunk over from his, he feels blessed. Like the world has given him this moment. It is his to keep, a new secret every day to cherish until the next morning.  
He wants to tell him that it’s his laughter he looks forward to the most when he tells a cheesy joke, that it’s his gaze he wants to catch across the stage or in an interview or on the street or at the dorms, just anywhere. He wants to tell him that he’s his best friend, that he’s more than that, so much more than that.

He wants to tell him everything.

He doesn’t though.

Not now, not yet. So he holds it in, squeezes their fingers together and asks.

“Come with me?”

Jeonghan rocks forward on the balls of his feet, leans into his space and his eye’s gain a little bit of that brightness back.

“Okay.”

Somehow, for now, that’s enough.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i suffer from severe anxiety and bouts of depression and sometimes i just need someone i care about to ground me.


End file.
